Sunday, June 7, 2009

Dead Men Float

03 Oct 05 Monday

I drew a bath.

I had high intentions: To get rid of the dirt and stink and bad memories and weird dreams and odd feelings and piss and shoe marks and scars and un-treated wounds and beard I've been growing to hide myself from the outside.

I undressed and stepped into it. It was luke-warm. The hot water ran out mid way. It was slowly draining. "The drain pipes must be fucked up," I thought.

No matter.

I found a wash rag and stuffed it into the drain.

I sat. I took it all in. I looked about and cleared my mind of bull shit.

I put my head under the water, and opened my eyes. I saw my ceiling the the bathroom. It was quiet and calm. I was exposed and wet and getting colder. I re-emerged to drips and my stereo playing lightly in the background.

I looked myself over a bit. A mess of hair and loose skin. I felt my face. Nothing changed. I turned over and floated as dead men do. I kept my ears above water, and imagined that I was not under water. I closed my eyes. I waited a minute, not breathing or moving, just feeling the water slowly feel like nothing on my face. I knew I was underwater, but I was trying to trick myself.

"I need air," I finally thought.

Then I sucked in what seemed to be a gallon of dirty water into my lungs, and I shot myself out and upward, coughing and hacking, and gasping for real air.

Then I let the scene settle. I sat there, naked a crying a bit. Then smiling. I was stil alive. I wasn't smiling because I was alive, but because I had tricked myself into thinking I was above water, so much so that I took into my lungs a good ammount of water.

I laid back down. Cold and Ill. Sniffing a bit from tears and a bit from my sickness. I found soap, and cleaned off the parties and nightmares and empty masturbation and hateful thoughts of humans and the drugs and drinking and self loathing selfless image of myself. I tried hard to scrub the wounds and scars, until they re-opened and then I scrubbed harder. I kept cleaning until the bath water was white from bar soap, and I could see my skin flaking off in specific areas. I was so clean, I could not wash off. The bath water was liquid soap. My eyes burned from it. My skin wrinkled and weakened.

I took the wash rag out from the drain, and let the tub drain, while I laid inside. I waited until the water left and made it's last dying sounds while it was rushed into the sewers below.

I stood up, and turned on the shower head. I let it blast me with cold, then hot, then cold water again. My insides shuttered and I kept my eyes closed, for fear of seeing myself in the mirror if I were to open them. I pissed all about just laughing inside of my mind.

I turned the shower off and stepped out from the tub and opend my eyes.

I saw myself, beard puffed out, and skin dripping and white.

I smiled.

Then the phone rang off the hook, and I was brought back into real life living once again. I got dressed and took a nap to try and re-live as a dead man floating.

Now I'm dry as an unburried bone, waiting for the winter months to finally set it...

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