Sunday, June 7, 2009

Dead Men Float

03 Oct 05 Monday

I drew a bath.

I had high intentions: To get rid of the dirt and stink and bad memories and weird dreams and odd feelings and piss and shoe marks and scars and un-treated wounds and beard I've been growing to hide myself from the outside.

I undressed and stepped into it. It was luke-warm. The hot water ran out mid way. It was slowly draining. "The drain pipes must be fucked up," I thought.

No matter.

I found a wash rag and stuffed it into the drain.

I sat. I took it all in. I looked about and cleared my mind of bull shit.

I put my head under the water, and opened my eyes. I saw my ceiling the the bathroom. It was quiet and calm. I was exposed and wet and getting colder. I re-emerged to drips and my stereo playing lightly in the background.

I looked myself over a bit. A mess of hair and loose skin. I felt my face. Nothing changed. I turned over and floated as dead men do. I kept my ears above water, and imagined that I was not under water. I closed my eyes. I waited a minute, not breathing or moving, just feeling the water slowly feel like nothing on my face. I knew I was underwater, but I was trying to trick myself.

"I need air," I finally thought.

Then I sucked in what seemed to be a gallon of dirty water into my lungs, and I shot myself out and upward, coughing and hacking, and gasping for real air.

Then I let the scene settle. I sat there, naked a crying a bit. Then smiling. I was stil alive. I wasn't smiling because I was alive, but because I had tricked myself into thinking I was above water, so much so that I took into my lungs a good ammount of water.

I laid back down. Cold and Ill. Sniffing a bit from tears and a bit from my sickness. I found soap, and cleaned off the parties and nightmares and empty masturbation and hateful thoughts of humans and the drugs and drinking and self loathing selfless image of myself. I tried hard to scrub the wounds and scars, until they re-opened and then I scrubbed harder. I kept cleaning until the bath water was white from bar soap, and I could see my skin flaking off in specific areas. I was so clean, I could not wash off. The bath water was liquid soap. My eyes burned from it. My skin wrinkled and weakened.

I took the wash rag out from the drain, and let the tub drain, while I laid inside. I waited until the water left and made it's last dying sounds while it was rushed into the sewers below.

I stood up, and turned on the shower head. I let it blast me with cold, then hot, then cold water again. My insides shuttered and I kept my eyes closed, for fear of seeing myself in the mirror if I were to open them. I pissed all about just laughing inside of my mind.

I turned the shower off and stepped out from the tub and opend my eyes.

I saw myself, beard puffed out, and skin dripping and white.

I smiled.

Then the phone rang off the hook, and I was brought back into real life living once again. I got dressed and took a nap to try and re-live as a dead man floating.

Now I'm dry as an unburried bone, waiting for the winter months to finally set it...

18 Oct 05 Tue

18 Oct 05 Tuesday

Current mood:Awake on Niquil

I wrote this while seeing how long I could stay awake after a triple dose of Niquil...


A night Quilt.
A babies raddle riddled with shapes and simitary-
Part of a matyr ... for hire, of course.

A million ways to end.
I ended up, face down, where I began.
Ill monsters staring down at me, making themselves sick from vomit, with vomit to spare.

I take showers to piss upon myself with a quick clean up after being washed down the drain.

"Write about rambling!," I ordered.
I wait. I pause.
I complied.
I lie and then lay awake.

Frequent is the brisk and chilly night air. This happens as smoke stacks up inside of my internal organs. [Then I say hello to the hollow piano while howls at me and I mumble back some terrible love song, or the next]

I'll leave my first born to you... I'm sure He'd hate me anyways and wish to be thrown away, if in fact I made him stay.

I'll soon forget and find comfort in dirty sheets and brown bedding.
Sweat stains.

I woke up much too late and assigned meanings to fake metaphors. I called them all by their first names. I heard insects calling my land line telephone off the hook. I wish to take advice and 'Spin Around'... I decided to dance and act in front of a crowd of angry women with big bright eyes, all ovulating at the same time.

I have poor grammer, and I'm sure I spell things wrong all the time. I think it's cute. I'm sure most others would not agree.

[How do you love?]

My hand looks a bit too small and the plant is waving goodnight. Niquil showing signs of life where it should not be found. Eyes becoming dry and heavy from gravity, probably. A night quilt.

[I'll write until you love me ]
[Love me until you sleep. ]
[I'll be good until you find me. ]
[Find me when I'm writing. ]
[I'll write until you love me... ]

over and over and over and over and over and over and over again and again

Offer me a drink. Something on the rocks. A shot of bottom shelf liquor, just for looks. Take advantage of me when I'm good and drunk. Please. Honest.. . Try and show me the thing that real boys tend to think of all too often. I'm stuck in this shallow corner with bad lighting during a thunder storm on X-mas eve. You're gone for the summer, you say? When will life blink?

Old ghost took over the tape recorder and spoke backwords about a back woods living. I drew a bath. And a tree. and blood on lined paper... paper cuts, you know?

An ugly bird yells in the distance.
You told me he was singing for me.
I was impressed at how gross the thought was.
"They should be sleeping," I said, in rebuttle.
"It's probably a god damned vampire..." I continued after a silent glare you gave to me.
I was meaning to say bat, but I wasn't thinking.
"I'm sorry," I finally confessed.
I'm sorry I tried to stick up for myself, you know?

No parents intentionally raise quitters... that's just another let down my parents have had to face.
My mother hates my posture.
And I told her, "Lonly is different than being alone,"
after she said, "No wonder you're lonely, look at the way you present yourself..."

It used to be that I remembered everything
It used to be that I could be your queen
Now nothing is the way it seems

The last 6 months.

Note to self:
be careful
Be aware
Lines are blurred now when you're sober
This may be something bigger than you expect.

Last night
The night in June
You let her in
the side door slid quietly
Sneaking around for fun.

Tonight the wind is dark and beautiful
The sky is bright
Like a song in five-four
The rain drops crescendo
A ladies voice sings sweetly
in the corners of the room
Running your tongue over your teeth

The light switch waits to be turned on
You picture it
The new dress
The fashion show
She's concerned - conscious
Pages dampen

Cute as a button
Stiff as a board.

"Like two curious kittens
In the kitchen window
Looking out."
That's seriously what she said to me
Without moving her mouth.
And after the fireworks were done in Detroit we walked like cattle away from the park.
And the homeless man sang to us - shaking a cup full of change - "Have a heart"
He told us.

Drove to KY and almost died.

This song is called Bigfoot
It's about invisible monsters.
It's about waking up before the crow of the rooster
Because you're searching for something
And some people sing holy holy
While others dig their fingernails in deep
Mostly because it was never enough
To cut your wrist for practice
We need the attention
We never deserved.

The feeling is never mutual.
An Addiction is a promise.

The next morning I woke with a shiner on my right eye. "I guess I didn't own you," I thought to myself. I've tried countless times to blame my mistakes on my parents. You know, the way most people tend to do. It was never that bad for me growing up. I resent that. So I'll be in when the headlights on the hoods of cars are most bright. The Time of the night when you're sure everyone is sleeping, working, weeping, or keeping a secret from their lover.
I'll be in before first light.

A short list of things:

- R.I.P. Green Hornet (1996-2008)
- Had a nice 68 Schwinn for a while but it's gone now.
- Bought a new digital camera but I dropped it in a cup of ice water.
- Failed my classes for 4,000 dollars.

But Language is my long lost lover.
Fingering my forearm.
Under the covers
Crawling around my wrists
And then the rest of me
So she starts tying herself
As you'd expect a bracelet to do
Something to show off to your girlfriends
At a cocktail party
Prefacing the main event.
Or maybe
she's twisting
over my visible veins
Like a terrible tattoo
One you learn from

Or make the same mistake again.
Reading the words
The spelling tortures me
'I" before "E"
It teases
Receiving a tether
Compliments of the mother
Wherever she may be.

"Just tell it to my number 2!" he yelled.
"Lifeless in the old bedroom…"
The walls still stand baby blue
From the day of my birth.
The woman who brought me here
Sleeps alone at night
No man to make her his wife
hear her weeping lowly in the kitchen
Calmly chopping vegetables
Knife in hand
Asks me nicely to set the table

Dinner is never ready.

It used to be that I remembered everything
It used to be that I could be your queen
Now nothing is the way it seems

Last Tuesday

The first phone call of the morning and the conversation that followed.

[pick up]
“Hello. This is Dr. Henry Bryant’s office calling.”
“Is this Shaun?”
“Yes it is.”
“Hi Shaun.”
“I’m calling in regard to your outstanding balance.”
“Well I had talked to your mother a few months ago and she…”
“You talked to my mom?”
“How is she doing?”
“I’m not sure… you see, I called your mother to talk with her about the balance and she informed me that you’d be making monthly payments to us to pay off your balance.”
“Oh. Ok.”
“Well we haven’t received any of those payments.”
“Yeah. I know.”
“You know?”
“It’s probably because she never told me that I’d be making these payments… because you called and told my mom to tell me to make payments.”
[long silence]
“Well, Shaun… this call is to inform you of that.”
“That you called my mom?”
“That we haven’t received payments.”
“I see.”
“Ok then?”
“Bryant… that’s the tooth doctor, right?”
“Umm, yes. Oral surgeon.”
“Yeah. Ok.”
“You guys sent me papers, right?”
“Yes, we sent bills to a 23784 Crossley avenue. Is that correct?”
“Yeah. I’ll get right on it then.”
“Ok, then.”
“Ok sir- Have a nice day.”
[hang up]
[enter Laurie]
“Hey Shaun. You want coffee?”
[exit Laurie]
“Yeah. Yes! …[enter Laurie] Coffee, please.”
[exit Laurie]
[enter Laurie]
“Here you go.”
“Thank you.”
“How about that sun shine?”
“Yeah. How ‘bout it.”
“Sorry I didn’t bring you your coffee sooner. I didn’t want to interrupt your phone call.”
“That’s fine. No problem.”
“You know, I’m bummed cuz it’s so beautiful out there and I’m cooped up in here until 8 tonight.”
“Yeah. Shitty.”
“You don’t use cream. Why did I put these down here?”
“I don’t know. It’s fine though. I’m not mad.”
“You know, yesterday was nice too but it’s supposed to be almost 70 today.”
“If it makes you feel better, it’s not as nice as they say it’s going to be.”
“Yeah… Not yet. [silence] Hey! You hear about Wayne yet?”
“Yeah I heard.”
“Ok, just makin’ sure.”
“Can I order from you?”
“Yeah. Just one sec. I just had a table seat..”
[exit Laurie]
[long silence]
[enter Laurie]
“Ok. What can I get cha?”
“2 eggs over medium. Hash browns and wheat.”
“Thank you.”
[exit Laurie]
[enter Trish]
“Hey there Shaun.”
“Hey there Trish”
“More coffee?”
“Sure, Thank you.”
“Well, you’re very welcome dear.”
“So, how are you?”
“I’m good. I’m good. Did Laurie get your order?”
“Yeah. I’m taken care of.”
“Ok. Ok. Just making sure hun… Shame about Wayne, isn’t it?”
“You heard, right?”
“Yeah. Rocky told me.”
“Ok. Let me know if you need more coffee or anything.”
“Ok, thanks.”
[exit Trish]
[long silence]
[enter Laurie]
“Here you go. Here’s breakfast.”
“Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.”
[exit Laurie]
[long silence]
[enter Sharon]
“Hay man.”
“Hello Sharon.”
“Ya hear ‘bout Wayne?”
“Isn’t that some shit?”
“Pretty sad.”
“You ain’t kidding. I waited on his ass Wednesday morning’ I think it was.”
“When’d ya hear?”
“Friday morning, I think.”
“Yeah. I was walking in the same time as Rocky and he asked if I wanted company for breakfast. I said sure and asked if he was waiting on Wayne and that’s when he told me.”
“Well that little shit bastard didn’t tell us ‘til Sunday.”
“He probably didn’t know how to tell you girls.”
“Hay! Rocky told him Friday!”
[enter Laurie]
“He didn’t tell us until Sunday.”
“That’s what I told ‘em.”
“Why’d he tell you Friday?”
“He probably didn’t know how to break it to you. And, maybe he was waiting until he had more information to say anything.”
[exit Laurie]
“Ya. Maybe. You want more coffee?”
“Sure. When’s the funeral?”
“Taday! Duh?”
“Oh. I haven’t seen rocky since he told me - He didn’t know then.”
“Ya. Taday at 2.”
“You done with this?”
“Uh, yeah. Yeah… I’m full thanks.”
[exit Sharon]
[long silence.]